8 Signs You May Be Enabling Someone Enabling Behaviors

You might even insist to other family or friends that everything’s fine while struggling to accept this version of truth for yourself. By pretending what they do doesn’t affect you, you give the message they aren’t doing anything problematic. You might call your partner’s work to say they’re sick when they’re hungover or blackout drunk. Or you may call your child’s school with an excuse when they haven’t completed a term project or studied for an important exam.

This can help break the cycle, establish healthy boundaries and coping skills, as well as create a healthier relationship between the two individuals. As the other person completes their treatment program, the enabler can also learn to prepare for the new life in recovery. If you are the enabler in your loved one’s life, you have to make a change. It is reasonable to want to protect your loved one from negative consequences. Yet at some point, your loved one has to step up and take responsibility for his or her actions. Continuing to pay the bills, make excuses, or let your loved one live with you during an addiction could be why he or she has not yet committed to recovery.

In some cases, an enabler might even take on the person’s responsibilities in order to keep things running smoothly in their life. Enablers will often blame other people for the person’s bad behavior. If you find yourself instinctually siding with the addicted person at all times, you may be an enabler. Worse, consuming drugs or alcohol around that person makes it harder for them to break their addiction. While you may not think it’s a big deal, it complicates recovery.

But your actions can give your loved one the message that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior — that you’ll keep covering for them. You might avoid talking about it because you’re afraid of acknowledging the problem. You or your loved one may not have accepted there’s a problem. You might even be afraid of what your loved one will say or do if you challenge the behavior.

How Do I Support Without Enabling?

Consequently, at some point, they feel underappreciated which results in feelings of resentment. This process is a never-ending cycle because, at the same time, it becomes difficult to stop enabling behavior. For example, you might have seen some parents helping their children with homework or examinations knowing that such behaviors are not promoting learning at all.

• Helpers address specific disruptive and distressing behaviors.
• Because she loves her child, she provides financial support and makes excuses for why her child is struggling at school or work.
• Parents and spouses make many sacrifices for family members, and they do it out of love.
• Going to work again and interacting with colleagues helped him feel engaged and useful.
• Do you identify yourself as an enabler personality… well if yes, now, you might be clear why you adopted an enabler personality.

Covering Up or Making Excuses

Recognizing the pattern of enabler behavior is important because it can help us understand the role the enabler is playing in the person’s harmful habits. Breaking this pattern can be the first step toward breaking the cycle of harmful behavior. Sometimes, enablers don’t realize that they aren’t helping the other person and are allowing destructive or unhealthy behaviors to continue. An enabler is someone who continuously supports or encourages someone to act in ways that potentially cause harm to someone.

• It can be extremely difficult to help a person you care about who has a drug or alcohol dependence without becoming an enabler of their addiction.
• Inside, they’re concealing substance use disorder and other secrets.
• Instead, it’s determined by your emotional connection to a person.
• The enabler doesn’t have to be a member of the family, but typically they are extremely close to the person struggling with addiction.
• It should not be used to replace the suggestions of your personal physician or other health care professionals.

Denial

Generational trauma is one example—patterns like “family always takes care of each other” can be passed down in ways that discourage healthy boundaries or accountability. This can also lead to a type of trauma bonding, where the enabler feels that they cannot stop enabling the person that they love without feeling that they abandoned them in their time of need. Over time, this behavior can lead to toxic relationships, where one person becomes dependent and less accountable, and the enabler feels trapped or taken advantage of. They often step in to fix problems, shield loved ones from consequences, or avoid conflict, even when it causes them stress or exhaustion.

Addiction is a complex disease of the brain and it’s difficult to understand if you’ve never had a problem with drugs or alcohol. The first thing to do if someone you care about has a problem with drugs or alcohol is to learn more about addiction and the long term effects of drugs. Aside from financial obligations, enablers will often relieve a person of other responsibilities like taking care of their children, cleaning the house, and making meals.

Often, enabling starts when a person tries to offer support to someone they care about because they know they are going through a difficult time. They might think, “If I don’t step in, everything will fall apart,” but this mindset keeps them stuck in a cycle of overgiving while the other person avoids responsibility. Most of us are conditioned to behave in pro-social ways, to be helpful and “good.” At a young age, we learn our behaviors affect those around us for better or worse.

What Is the Psychology Behind Enablers?

This might make you feel like you want to do something to mend the relationship. Encourage independence and encourage them to get professional help for their condition. For example, this might look like constantly paying off the other person’s debts or irresponsible an enabler is someone who spending habits. For the enabler, this can be emotionally draining and damaging to their self-esteem.

Because you’re close to the person in need, you don’t want to believe they’re doing what they’re doing. Often, people are unaware they are enabling their loved ones and have good intentions. This may be hard at first, especially if your loved one gets angry with you. Tell your loved one you want to keep helping them, but not in ways that enable their behavior.

How to Find Treatment for Addiction

Most rehab centers in Buffalo or other states have doctors, nurses, counselors, and an entire team providing medical advice and confidential help. Trustworthy health information will help educate you on how not to enable. Every time his 17-year-old granddaughter asks for money, he gives it to her. He will do anything to make her happy even if that means feeding her addiction. Two years after his win, she’s found dead wrapped in a plastic tarp near her boyfriend’s home.

The people in these groups have been where you are now, and they can provide much needed guidance and encouragement. Recognizing the signs of being an enabler is important to stop it before it goes too far. Once it reaches the resentment stage, many people stop providing support and it can have a negative impact on a once loving relationship. Enablers will give addicts money, food, and a place to live despite continued substance use or any attempt to stop using drugs or alcohol. Paying a person’s bills and giving them money with no expectations of repayment will only fuel more drug use. Enabling a person’s substance use or addiction creates a negative codependency between the enabler and the person that depends on them.

In short, an enabler personality supports or encourages unhealthy tendencies. For example, an enabler might support someone else’s consumption of alcohol or substance use, self-harm, unlawful action, or manipulation even after knowing the consequences. Remember, being an enabler does not mean you’re an irresponsible or bad person. Even if empowering bad behavior leads to unhealthy consequences, it is almost always done from a place of love and support.